Undeserving
So my life has been spun around and pulled inside out several times over the last decade. I achieved quite a lot, but rather than bragging about accomplishments, all that populates my memories are the sensations. The result is just a result, and it would probably have no value for me if it could just be obtained without having to put myself through the process and the experiences.
That perspective is pretty positive, but it used to be paired in my head with a stupid sense of undeservingness. I didn't feel deserving of the result.
Lo and behold, that attitude swept away many of the worldly possessions I obtained over the years. I don't mind losing those, and neither do I think that anything of real value can ever be lost. All of the good and tough times have shaped me from a lame ass into a bad ass, and a couple of bucks are nothing compared to this.
Either way, I spotted this tendency to self-sabotage recently, and it won't be showing its ugly face again.
Now here's a spin off of those feelings of undeservingness: you should always live up to what you got, especially if you feel undeserving of it. I'll give you a simple example: you find yourself winning the lottery. You want the money, you want to live up to it, but you don't feel deserving. The only way to play this is to start behaving the way you think you should. Then, when you screw up, figure out what went wrong and course-correct.
That perspective is pretty positive, but it used to be paired in my head with a stupid sense of undeservingness. I didn't feel deserving of the result.
Lo and behold, that attitude swept away many of the worldly possessions I obtained over the years. I don't mind losing those, and neither do I think that anything of real value can ever be lost. All of the good and tough times have shaped me from a lame ass into a bad ass, and a couple of bucks are nothing compared to this.
Either way, I spotted this tendency to self-sabotage recently, and it won't be showing its ugly face again.
Now here's a spin off of those feelings of undeservingness: you should always live up to what you got, especially if you feel undeserving of it. I'll give you a simple example: you find yourself winning the lottery. You want the money, you want to live up to it, but you don't feel deserving. The only way to play this is to start behaving the way you think you should. Then, when you screw up, figure out what went wrong and course-correct.
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